No I am not a tree

(Source: Here)

I find myself thinking this over and over and over all day.  I am not a tree.  I am not a tree.  I have a voice. I am not a tree.  I have options.  I am not a tree.  I have goals and abilities and friends and partners and choices.  I am not a tree.

So I am making those changes that my voice keeps whispering.  I am taking control of my body.  I am not waiting for my ship to come in- I am rowing out and meeting it.  I'd love for you to come along.  I'll be sharing the journey and posting the pictures.  If you want to join me for cheaper- and desire a little tease before the big reveal- you can become a member of the Yoknapatawpha Arts Council here.

I am choosing my family, my community and my passions.  I am choosing to let go of things that I cannot control.  I am choosing to live intentionally, peacefully, completely.  I have more choices to make and mistakes to overcome- but I am grateful to have those options.  I am not a tree.

Headband Class

A few weeks ago I taught a class for our local Moms and Tots group.  It was a really great group of ladies and we enjoyed talking so much the evening lasted much longer than anticipated- but it was a wonderful time.  We made little beaded rings that I've been making since high school and everyone went home with a new gem to show off.

Well it was such a hit that I was more than excited to go back this month and teach another class for them.  This time we'll be making simple ribbon headbands with felt embellishments.  I feel really ahead of my game this time because I've actually completed the examples and have taken a few pictures to share!  I will post a tutorial after the class- it's so simple it doesn't even need one- for anyone who can't make it.   

If you are interested in attending this class- it's going to be a good one.  We're going to pair this craft with a budgeting class so you get a little something to think about, and a little something to do with your hands- the perfect combo in my opinion.

For more info- or to RSVP- head on over here and check it out.

Get Control of Yourself

As I prepare myself for the responsibility of actively teaching others, I am going to try to share some things that have been taught to me more recently.  

A few weeks ago Marco and I were invited to an adult birthday party.  It has party hats and balloons, but there were dirty words on those hats and balloons, so that made it adult.  Also there was beer- and adults.

The birthday boy is actually the husband/father of some ladies who are very, very special to me.  So special in fact, that right now I'm thinking about not seeing them three times a week when I do eventually leave the library and I'm getting a little weepy.  So special that this is one of my favorite pictures from my wedding:

I love that picture and I love that bunny in that picture.  She is cheesing it up in that picture but I still love her and that smile and how she ended up eating most of my nachos that you see to the side there...

Anyhoo- at this birthday party, that little bunny was running around like, well, a bunny.  A bunny on crack.  And you know what her mother said to her?  Her mother told her to sit down, cross her legs, put her hands on her knees and take control of her body.  And she did.

My bunny's momma didn't know it then (though she will now- hey girl!) but that moment taught me more than I could learn from any Mommy Blog or book or therapy session.  She treated that bunny like a person- not a child to be coddled, or an inferior who needed things explained to her... but as a person who was capable of controlling herself through awareness.  And the awareness thing- whoa.  In that moment I realized that I could probably use some more awareness myself.  Awareness of my own body and my own thoughts and those whispers in my soul that have been so long ignored.  

So when I find the panic climbing up my throat or the backs of my knees start to feel weak- I sit down, cross my legs, put my hands on my knees and get control of my body.  I ask my body what it's looking for- what is it afraid of?  I ask the whispers to speak a little louder, I'm still practicing.  I pace my breathing, it doesn't pace me.  And then I thank the universe for the people who unknowingly have given me so much.

Alone-ness and Guilty Pleasures

Marco left for another research cruise yesterday and while I miss him and I count down the minutes until he returns, I do (eventually) enjoy my alone time in the house.  Several years ago an "alone" week like this would have sent me spiraling into a black hole of panic and despair.  And it has been no easy journey learning how to enjoy my aloneness- but I am getting there.  Since people are always asking me how I deal with being in the house by myself (with only two crazy beasts for background noise) I thought I'd share a little bit of my technique (because that's what it is) here.

I always start by planning out my meals.  If it's just me in the house I'm much more liable to settle for nachos every night or a pot of tea and some cookies.  So the first thing I do when I know a period of "oneness" is coming up, is to make sure there is food that I can/will/like to eat in the house.  I like to do either very simple things (grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato) or really complex things (lasagna).  The simple things are easy to do quickly and clean up, the bigger things I can make once and then eat it for three days.  Once I get a food plan, I start to feel a little better because I get to eat things that Marco may not always enjoy for three days in a row... For me, grilled cheese sandwiches and nachos are supreme guilty pleasures but I try to make sure I get real ingredients into both of them so that I'm not too guilty.

I also make sure that I dress to kill the entire time.  It is so easy to not shave for an entire week or just let laundry pile up... but just like when I make myself plan out my meals, planning out my clothes helps too.  I plan to wear clothes that make me feel good and confident (thanks to that recent closet purge, that's all of them) and clothes that require some bodily upkeep too- like shaving and toe nail painting.  It's like being at a spa!  But cheaper because it's at my house.  And when it's just me, and I know what's for dinner and I know that no one else is wanting to use the bathroom- I can take that extra long shower, use my facial hair bleach and push back my cuticles without revealing too many secrets.

But most importantly for me, I have learned to develop projects.  Sometimes these are secret projects- like painting the bathroom or decorating our porch, but sometimes these are general projects like deep cleaning the floors or purging the craft room.  I pick up books that I want to read- and I read them without feeling like I'm ignoring anyone.  I take the dogs on walks and think about how grateful I am that Marco usually takes the first walk of the day.  I don't schedule every second of my time, but I like knowing that I have things to do.  It keeps me from feeling bored which usually ends up in impulse buying or anxiety.  And when Marco comes home he can oohh and ahh over whatever I've been able to accomplish.  Now that's a good thing.

Anyone else have long stretches of one-ness?  Anyone wish they HAD some one-ness?

Trying Something New

In the last 18 months, Marco and I bought a house, got married and decided it's time for me to make a career change.  What's that?  The career change?  I hadn't mentioned it?

That's probably because I'm still not sure what it is, but I know what it feels like.  It feels different than right now.  Right now I'm not in a good place.  I'm actually in a dark place.  A dark place that used to feel very familiar and friendly has not become stagnant and painful.  So it's time to move on.  I cannot say exactly what I'm moving on to yet, but I can say that I'm starting to figure it out.  

The first thing I've figured out is that I need to start putting into practice more of the things I enjoy, like sewing and socializing.  So I'm heading up a few classes over the next few months and will be keeping up with them via this blog.  I've also decided that if enough people suggest something, maybe you should give it a try, so I am working on a little Closet Reconstruction project too.  Maybe something will stick, or maybe I'll just continue to learn about myself.  Either way, it's going to be great- I can already tell.

Still Ridin' That Train

So maybe I fell off the bloggin' waggin' there for a few weeks.  I've been busy.  Well, maybe busy is not the right word, but right now it's the best word for this space.  I've been busy and we've been busy.

One thing that has kept me busy over the last two weeks, since our yard sale, is the realization that even after we got rid of SO MUCH STUFF, we've still got a lot of stuff left.  Stuff that is taking up space where stuff we love should go.  Stuff that I feel "eh" about is in front of stuff that I want to grab if the house catches on fire.  Some of this stuff was transitional stuff  (that's what I could afford at the time) or trendy stuff (a whim, a sale, a deal) or one day stuff (projects that I'll never finish, saving this for my [already passed] wedding day, Christmas gifts).  Basically, there still a lot of stuff that needs to be sorted.

Physical and emotional stuff.

So I've spent the last two weeks being busy and starting to work on the best ways to sort through the stuff.  My first step has been for Marco and I to get back to our priorities.  We have already shared some of our goals for this new house/life together, but priorities are different.  Priorities are goals more than "to do"s and sometimes they get shifted or changed, so this has been a great time for us to reorganize our goals, share them with each other and make sure we are on the right tracks.

I am sharing my priorities here, in this space, because I think that sometimes the stress/panic we feel in day to day life is directly related to the variance between what we want to spend time on (our priorities) and what we actually spend time on (other people's priorities).  Sometimes just taking that step back and saying "Ok, now wait a minute, what are MY proprieties in this situation and how can I make sure my needs are being met?" will help us to refocus and become more productive.

So without further ado:  because this post is already super wordy and philosophical.  My personal priorities and the priorities of our house- Marco can share his own one day if he feels like it.

My priorities:  My husband and our dogs- health, home and happiness; our food- where it comes from and how it is prepared; our home- how it is cared for, maintained, and resale value (I know, I know, live in the moment, but if I'm being honest, I worry about resale a lot and I might as well own up to it); debt repayment- mostly student loans; our community- developing a stronger sense of community and neighborhood projects.  And the list goes down from there..

Our house's priorities:  Family health- skin infections for the dogs, anxiety and work pressure for us;  Project completion- we still have several phases of projects and we'd like to get more of them checked off now that the 100*+ weather has broken; settling down- creating routines, hanging pictures, building the life we want.

You'll notice that there are few house priorities- that's because the three that are listed are big ones.  Those "projects" we want to finish are everything from "recover the couch" to "build a shed" to "fence back yard" to "strip paint off every hinge/doorknob in the house."

But how will these lists help us in the future?  Right now when making decisions, purchases, life changes, we are asking ourselves, "Will this help us to finish projects, become healthier, or settle in?"  If the answer is no, then we make a different decision.  Plus, it's nice to know we are both on the same page on different topics- health and food and money being the big three.

And now back to making some of those priorities physical projects- starting with staining our new deck.  Pictures soon.

On The Clock

I didn't have to go to work on Friday because I had to go to a Staff Development day instead.  If you have ever had the pleasure of having your staff developed, you can imagine how it was.  In fact, I'm sure Staff Development days everywhere are basically the same... no one wants to be there, the seats are uncomfortable and inevitably there are always people who have tons of questions for each speaker.  *When in Staff Development, the answer to "Does anyone have any questions?" is ALWAYS "No."*

Anyhoo- right after our lunch break we were treated to a nice Sit and Be Fit lesson.  I don't know which branches get the luxury of sitting during the day but I can say for certain that we are not one of them.  But the lady who led the demonstration was really cute and spunky, and her calves were fantastic. 

First she led us through the basic arm stretches and calf pumps ("Tap it, tap it, tap it.  Why is the back giggling?") but my favorite part was when we all got together as a group and squeezed our butt cheeks together in hopes of lifting ourselves off our chairs.  Me, my boss, my co workers with beards, everyone was engaging his/her butt muscles in unison. She kept yelling "SQUEEZE" and the entire room would lift up.   It was like some kind of Whack-A-Mole game meets Richard Simmons... 

And that is how I bonded with my co workers on Friday.  

I was sore the next day, so it must have worked.  Touche Staff Development day, touche.